BrasilNut’s Top 8 Poker Jokes

8.

A man joins Gamblers Anonymous. He’s given three-to-one odds he won’t make it.

7.

What’s the difference between a man praying at a poker table and another man praying in a church? The one at the poker table means it.

6.

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,

“Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”

He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again.
“Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”

Again, he ignores the voice.

Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.
“Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”

He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice.
He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, “Go to the Horseshoe.”

He goes to The Horseshoe.

The voice says, “Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry.”

He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP.

He goes to his assigned tournament table.
The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd.

The voice says, “Go all in.”

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot.
Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is 8h9h10h.

The voice says, “Fuck.”

5.

I was playing poker…with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

4.

What is the…difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?
The large pizza can feed a family of four.

3.

Top Five Reasons…you are delusional about poker:

1) You think you’re ready for the WSOP because you money in $5 SnGs all the time, dude!
2) You own a killer pair of sunglasses that would make Fossilman jealous.
3) You quote from Rounders whenever you can, especially if someone asks what your cards were. You always answer, “I’m sorry, John. I don’t remember.”
4) You own a minimum of twelve poker books. You’ve read at least two of them.
5) You wear your Party Poker  hat and sunglasses to live $1/2 games.

2.

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill’s wife Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?” Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, ” Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”

With a lump in her throat Sue answered “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.” Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

1.

In a 10-20 Hold’em game at the Mirage, a drunk was begining to get out of hand. ”Well that was one pussy-pink river card from you dealer!” he bellowed after missing a flush.  The dealer beheld the drunk gravely; “Sir, there is a young lady at the table. If you don’t control your language, you will have to leave.”

On the next hand, the drunk doesn’t improve his set on the flop and looses to a straight. “Jesus Christ! Why don’t you just light my fucking wallet on fire pinhead!”  The dealer was absolutely at his limit; “Sir, I’m telling you for the last time; there is a young lady at the table! Control your language or you will be escorted out of here!”

On the following hand, every player in the game wades into the pot. There are raises and caps on every card. In the end, the drunk sucks out an inside straight and wins the 10-20 pot of the month. The drunk looks out over his pile of chips at the dealer and asks, “Do you boys pool your tips togeather or do you keep them for yourselves?”

The dealer replies “All dealers here keep their own tips.”  The drunk tosses two green chips at the dealer and says with a grin; “Well have a Goddamn toke on me, motherfucker.”

The dealer picks up the $50, turns to the young woman and says, “Miss, I’m afraid you’ll have to leave the table.”